and you say?

It's been awhile since I blogged something simple, besides just pictures and more of them.
I know right, I've been too lazy doing the things I used to enjoy doing and now I'm back to where I begin.

I've been contemplating about furthering my studies and staying on in Singapore to pursue a degree in a private school.
What benefits me from staying is the people I love, the people I cannot live without.
To be around love, but honestly.. love?
Do people jeopardize something they need, for the other things they need as well?
When you can't decide on what's more important, can I just stay here caught in the middle of something which may also means nothing?
Sometimes when I get so vexed up, I just wish I could leave and start all over again.
Somewhere, where no one actually knows me and also to be around people that actually appreciates me for who I am now.
But when it comes to letting go, I'm just not strong enough to be able to.

Although I really hate being here, I hate being reminded of what I'm not already.
But how, how do I overcome what's not already there.
I just need approval of the things I'm doing now, and not for the things we can't change.

Don't think being me is awesome, when no one actually knows me deep inside.
I've been hearing people telling me how awesome it is being me.
Cause there seems like there's no restrictions with me being the way I am.
When I drink, when I stay out late, when I just smile away with all the flash taken.
But here, I'm telling you it's not true.
It's only true when they say behind every smile, there's a painful story to be told.
Just cause it's not mentioned, doesn't mean it doesn't exist at all.
It just doesn't want to be known.

The things that were able to make me smile from the bottom of my heart, is somewhat no longer there.
But I wouldn't know just yet, I'm just telling myself to not put any hopes on it, just in case I fall any deeper.
I still love, but I dare not love the way I used to.
I've spent so much time being afraid of what comes next till I don't know which route to go.

Maybe it's time I think for myself,
I'm done being me for someone else.
You know what they say,
when it hurts you know you're in reality.
I'll keep myself in the middle for that pinch and for that love.

We only live once, make the best out of it.
and I will, too.